Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Mixed Emotions

I've been writing about grief a lot lately. Ironically, I've been grieving a lot today.

Grief can come on suddenly or seep into your soul gradually. The grief I'm experiencing has to do with life changes and milestones. You might wonder why one would grieve over either of these, but it is grief I feel nonetheless.

My husband became the pastor of a church last March. It has been our goal since we got married to ultimately be in a church in this capacity. We needed to experience it just like we needed the other past experiences we have had since getting married. A little over a year later, my husband resigned, and we are headed back to the ministry of teaching. This is a good thing, but once again, "hope deferred makes the heart sick." I'm excited about the future, there are some unknowns, but I grieve that things did not go as expected.

I also grieve because my son's 2nd birthday is this Saturday. With that, I'm sure you question my sanity. Why would I grieve over such a milestone? I guess I should say there are mixed emotions. I experienced the same emotions last year. My son is alive against the odds. He is happy and sometimes shows so much joy that you might think he could fly away with how much it fills him. The grief comes over the lack of development, over life not being for him like a normal 2 year old, over not being able to enjoy birthday cake or even care about it or his presents. I grieve for what isn't when I should be joying in what is.

Isn't that what steals our joy most often? It's the "what ifs" and the "if onlys" that steal our joy.

It is sad that birthdays for our kids are more often about how we feel than how they feel. I of course want him to enjoy his day, but is it about me or him? I am disappointed that things did not work out where we are, but why should I be when God's plans are greater than ours? The present worries and suffering are nothing compared to the joy that is awaiting us when He changes our vile bodies to be like His.

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